On Post-Concussion Syndrome

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This is my brain on January 2nd. According to the doctor, it showed a normal scan. I, however, was showing symptoms of a concussion. Nausea, fatigue, dizziness, headache, difficulty concentrating, mood swings, etc. I’d been through the rigamarole twice beforehand, so I knew what to do. Have someone watch me that first night, get plenty of rest, stay off the computer for a while and avoid the TV. And I did that.

For eighteen days.

I was still feeling the same symptoms on the twentieth that I felt on the second. But what really set me off was a pot of coffee that tasted nothing like coffee to me and tasted just fine to everyone else. Long story short I had just made bad coffee and I got referred to a neurologist who diagnosed me with post-concussion syndrome or PCS. It’s a disorder that combines a bunch of concussion symptoms and makes them last for weeks, months, and sometimes a year or more.

Reading that last part makes me feel more nauseated than I already do.

I can’t work like this. I can’t focus. I can’t think. I can hardly drive. My head is constantly coming up with fun new ways of hurting at random spots and random times. I’m getting double vision sometimes and blurred vision at other times. I’m living in a cave-like room full of nothing but quiet and darkness and I haven’t been able to watch the TV without feeling seasick since New Years. I can’t bend over to pick things up unless I want to almost black out when I get back up. I get so tired during the middle of the day because my head hurts so bad that I just want to go hide in my cave and sleep it off. Then I’m left awake at 3AM like right now, headache back and unable to fall asleep again.

I don’t know if I can take much more of it. I honestly feel like a burden at this point, and I know that people have said otherwise. I just do.

Inspiration

I recently gave myself a concussion. The details aren’t really important, but the headache has lasted a little over three weeks now. In seeing the neurologist, I was diagnosed with post-concussion syndrome and given a prescription for some medication. It’s hard to concentrate and watching television is taxing, so I’ve been listening to audiobooks and poetry to keep occupied. I came across this poem (which has since become a favorite of mine) in an iPhone app called “The Love Book.” It’s called “Desiderata” by Max Ehrmann, and it’s read by the lovely Tom Hiddleston.

I found it to be inspiring and uplifting.

Stigma

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To start, let it be known that I have depression. Technically, it’s “Major Depressive Disorder,” but, whatever.

Here’s the thing about depression: It’s not “being sad.” Depression describes the sensation of utter apathy toward everything. Eating, drinking, watching your favorite television show, writing, drawing, being awake—everything. When I’m in a depressive episode, I just want to sleep and ignore the world. If I miss my medication, not only does it make me feel like my skin is about to crawl off of my body, but I feel like nothing. I feel like, not only do I not matter, but nothing around me matters. I simply exist, and I loathe myself for taking up any amount of space.

Continue reading

I think I have a problem.

He’s twelve inches tall and cost me a big chunk of my paycheck.

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What’s worse? I bought him a suit. And since you can’t take off the armor, I bought him another body. Then I was like: why even screw around with removing his head? and I bought him a second head. So, essentially, I bought two Loki dolls. Right now, I’m waiting on an auction to end for his shoes. And I’ve been thinking about getting him the little scarf, too. Since I got a full-sized one for myself.

*hangs head*

You know what, though? This is probably the coolest thing I’ve ever owned. And earned the money I used to pay for it.

On a related note, after watching Thor: The Dark World, I’m convinced that they need to make a movie all about Loki.

Loki'd!

Requited

I lie here in the darkness now
Head full of pain
And I think of times in the past
And when I’ll see you again

I know you may not love me
As I do you
But as I lie here in the darkness now
I feel any love will do

NaNoWriMo 2013

So, I’ve fallen behind. Quite a lot, actually. I had everything planned out; plot, rising and falling action, character biographies, locations, all that research, and so much more. I had a mental picture of the main character and the minor characters. I had plans.

And so far? I’ve only written about 1,500 words.

That’s so much further behind than I wanted to be by the middle of November.

I have my excuses. I’m busy with work. I’m tapped out creatively. I’m not motivated.

But really? I don’t want to be constrained to just one month of work on this story. I’ve already put so much into the research portion of writing that I feel like only a month of writing won’t do it justice. So I will keep writing it. I’ll just keep writing it at my own pace. There’s no hurry, really. In fact, if I do hurry it along, I feel like I’ll lose the feel I’d been going for with it.

I know I have a lot of unfinished writing projects strewn about the four corners of the Internet. Those, however, don’t hold the same meaning to me as this novel. Sure, they’re important to me—I’m not giving up on them—but they’re not all mine. They’re fanfiction. This? This is my own creation. I want to do it justice.

And I don’t think that this mad dash to write 50,000 words will do it justice.

That’s my excuse.