My most irrational fear is that I’ll lose this financial aid because of how I don’t have a general practitioner doctor and that that might seem, to the government, like I’m not “suffering” from a disability. It doesn’t help that it’s an invisible disability.

(I blame the people who take it upon themselves to police handicapped parking spaces because they see someone can still walk to their vehicle without assistance for some of that.)

I am almost constantly worried about not being disabled enough to continue to have access to government aid. I have this fear of having that support yanked away from me because I’ve always heard of frequent medical checks on people who are on Disability and because of the nature of my disability being a traumatic brain injury, I often forget something important about TBIs that my medical records will definitely show.

It’s permanent. Brain damage is permanent. There is no way Social Security would deny me assistance. Not after what experts explained during my second court hearing.

An employment specialist said, under oath, that I would never be able to maintain a full time job. I think I remember him saying I wouldn’t even be able to keep a job sweeping floors.

It’s too easy for me to fixate on being disabled “enough” from a day to day basis because of how random my symptoms are. Some days I’ll feel fine. On days like those, that imposter syndrome kicks in real hard.

The thing is, filing for Disability was extremely dehumanizing.

I suppose I’ve been conditioned by capitalism because I had the mindset that, if I can contribute, I don’t deserve federal assistance because I’m not as impaired as others seeking Disability.

I had to prove to the government in court that, yes, I am impaired enough that I can’t feasibly work or even live on my own. It was invasive, dehumanizing, emotionally taxing, and overall the most stressful thing I have ever done, and that’s coming from someone who went to college twice. While commuting twenty five miles each time I had class.

(No, I didn’t complete my forensic psychology master’s degree. I dropped out. But that’s another story.)

I had two hearings because the judge wanted me to take a cognitive test after the first hearing. No one told me that it took four hours to complete. Or that when I was done with the test, I then had to pour my heart out to a complete stranger and tell them what felt like my life story.

During the second hearing, there was a psychiatrist whom I’d never met who referred to me by the wrong name and claimed I had a bad relationship with my parents. I don’t know where she got that from my assessment—my parents have been nothing but supportive during all of this.

Trying to apply for Disability includes so many hoops you have to jump through—I was told I had to go to my local Social Security office to file paperwork instead of being able to file it online. I had to hire a lawyer to help me because legal language has nuance that I’m incapable of comprehending anymore.

Even that came with its own stress—finding the right lawyer reminded me of going on endless job interviews during the recession.

I can recall one lawyer barely looked at me while I was talking to him. He was focused on the papers on his desk and told me something that I don’t recall but it made me start to cry. I remember feeling hopeless about it all. I remember just wanting to quit.

The Packard Law Firm specializes in Disability cases. My lawyer was amazing even in that first meeting. It was the first time I felt like a person when talking about my disability with someone who had the potential to help me. My lawyer argued my case well and I qualified for Disability.

Just because I qualified doesn’t mean that the stress of it goes away.

Because no matter how many times I tell myself otherwise, I’m terrified that I will be cut off and left to fend for myself. I don’t know how to get over thinking like that.