The edge of that table straight up knocked the self-deprecation regarding my appearance—not thinking I was pretty enough

That’s gone.

I am pretty.

I genuinely don’t care what other people think anymore. I used to constantly worry about not being “enough” for everyone else. Or “too much”.

It’s astoundingly freeing—not caring what anyone else thinks.

When I was trying to get a job during the recession, I went on countless interviews after which I never received further contact from my interviewers, and I was frustrated. After one job interview where I was rejected, I was told to come back tomorrow for tips on interviews and more information on a job opening in ALEC for a graphic artist, and he wanted me to look over who they were and what they stood for.

ALEC is the American Legislative Exchange Council, and their main agenda is rewriting state laws regarding our rights so the legal language loopholes make it easy to sneak in things that the right wing can’t obtain by being forthright. They’re also corporate funded. Their beliefs are the antithesis of my own.

The next day, I told the guy I didn’t want to work for someone whose political stance was entirely opposed to my own. He said: “if you want a job, you should leave your own feelings at home. Work is work.”

I reiterated that I couldn’t do that, and he moved on to the tips he had.

“You should smile more—you don’t look like a fun person to be around.”

I started crying. I don’t remember anything else he said because he didn’t stop talking while I cried across the table, but I dissociated until he stopped talking.

In contrast, after I got back from medical leave from my last job, I was still having lots of trouble (proud to say I solved the whole “what’s due when” disorganization by getting everyone huge yearly planners because post-it notes are pointless if you don’t organize your timeline for your projects) with needing to leave work early or lie down for a bit and generally having seriously stressful symptoms, and I was already stressed because I was moving to Texas. While we were going through my schedule so I could pass on my current projects to the new employee, my boss told me that it was good that I was moving, because he might have fired me otherwise.

The last time some job interviewer looked me in the eye and said shit like that to me, I fucking cried in front of them and sat there while they talked at me.

TBI Jenn?

I looked my boss dead in the eye and just raised my eyebrow and left to make coffee. It’s strange having a positive change to my personality. It feels like cheating. No more body dysmorphia. No more shame. I will not take bullshit anymore.

I suppose it’s a trade off for the constant pain. “Sorry I’m making you hurt all the time, here: I fixed your ego.”

I’m a lot more blunt than I used to be.